Tennessee Fun

I was overdue for a trip back home; I was beginning to feel homesick! I ended up staying for several days after Granny's funeral, and it was so very refreshing to visit. I stayed with my BFF, Jenn, and spending so much time with her little family was wonderful! One of the things I didn't expect when I moved was how difficult... perhaps difficult isn't the right word... time-consuming (maybe?) it is to develop friendships. She and I will celebrate our 21-year friendship anniversary this year, and at this point we are completely effortless. Here, finding friends is quite a bit like dating - you find out if you have similar interests, you see how the other person reacts in frustrating situations, how he/she treats the waiters, if conversation comes easily or has to be forced, and you stress out over whether or not to text and how often. I also tend to feel the need to suppress all of my quirkiness, as if loudly singing in the car, or dancing, or moaning while eating anything with peanut butter will make me seem like a crazy person (though let's be real...there is some crazy there...) And let's not even talk about the stress of how I look. Hanging out with someone I feel the need to impress (guy or girl) makes me incredibly self-aware of every single flaw anywhere. Breakout after a facial (my immediate reality)? Definitely not going out. Discovering frizzy hair that's starting to curl around my face? Tragic. Pink cheeks after a couple of drinks? OMG. It's absolutely ridiculous that I'm that worried, but nonetheless, I am. In an ideal world, I'd like to be confident enough to say that if someone can't embrace all of my flaws and imperfections that he/she doesn't deserve a place in my life, but I still struggle with wanting to be awesome, and worrying that things like a bum I wish was a bit more perky, or skin that I wish wasn't quite so sensitive, or my incessant rambling when I'm the least bit nervous make me not good enough. With Jenn though, all of that is out the window. She literally knows every single thing about me, even the stuff I choose not to tell her. I know her, too, probably better than her husband. She knows all of my imperfections, and survived the entire year that I went dark, and became a not-so-good person in general. I've yelled at her, thrown things at her, and kicked her out of my house, and somehow, she's loved me at my very worst and we've survived. I remember a particular season where we were fighting so much. We hadn't spoken to each other for what felt like forever, and then I found out some news and showed up at her doorstep crying. She opened the door, immediately hugged me, and all was forgiven. That's how we've always been. And that's one of the things I miss the most about being away - substantial, effortless friendships. It's one of those things that simply needs time to cultivate.

 

I also got to catch up with my family and other friends, too. Unfortunately there is never enough time to see everyone, but I definitely made a good dent.

While I was home, I did something that I've wanted to do F O R E V E R. I got a tattoo. I've wanted one since I was sixteen, and everyone kept telling me that I would grow out of it, but I never did. The last several years the desire only intensified, but then I was just too afraid to do it. As y'all know by now, I've been trying to not let fear dictate decisions, so I asked my girlfriend Lori to go with me, and she documented the entire process. I wanted something that was somewhat unique, and it was a toss up between a reference to my favorite book, Pride & Prejudice, or my favorite poem, Annabel Lee. P&P won out in the end, and my tattoo is a tribute to the book I read at least once a year. The anticipation was far worse than the tattoo itself; it didn't hurt that badly at all! In fact, I talked through the entire thing minus the "m". When he hit that part, my toes curled and I stopped talking (squishy face below), but it was quick, and still not that bad. I'm so SO excited about it, and I absolutely love it. The picture below was right after, which is why it's still so pink. It's healing still, so it's dry and itchy, but I should be completely healed up in the next week or so. I can't stop looking at it! It's definitely straight, but I'm holding my shirt in a funny position so it looks a bit off in the picture. I need to take a better one once it heals up completely.

Though it's always a bit bittersweet to leave, it's good to be back home in my own space. I missed my bed, and Millie. I've spent the last couple of days catching up on laundry and chores, and I'm getting ready to re-stock my fridge that is almost completely bare. Tonight the ACM awards come on, and you'd better believe this Tennessee girl is getting her Nashville fix in, even up North. You can take the girl out of the country...you finish the rest.

A Sad Day

Wednesday night as I had just crawled into bed I got a call from my ex telling me that his grandmother had passed. Though it wasn't entirely unexpected, it was still heartbreaking. I felt so very far away from home in that moment, and absolutely longed for the comfort of my family. I went to bed quietly, and sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and finally cried.

"Granny" was very special to me. She was a part of my life for sixteen years, after all. I booked the soonest flight out I could get, and arrived at the funeral home Friday for visitation. She looked peaceful, and beautiful. Saturday was her funeral, and when we got to the cemetery I was overwhelmed with the lack of closure I felt. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her, and I had missed the opportunity because I was far away. I knew I needed to talk to her, despite the circumstances, so on Sunday afternoon I drove back to the cemetery. She was buried in a secluded family cemetery. It's not visible from the road, but a long gravel drive leads to gate that keeps livestock on the property. Once past the gate, the small cemetery is fenced in, and sits by itself in a big field. It's always well-maintained thanks to an attentive family, and it was especially beautiful with all of the fresh flowers from her service. It was pretty and sunny, and I sat in the grass next to her and talked through big tears for the next half hour. Once I started, all of the things I wanted to say spilled out - details of my new life in MN, reassurances that I was happy and okay, apologies for not being there at the end, and so many other things that I needed and wanted her to know. When there was nothing more to say, I finally felt the closure that I'd needed.

As I was wandering around the airport this morning, I came across a section of Yankee candles in a gift shop. Her favorite scent, Midsummer's Night, was sitting there. I picked it up and breathed it in - breathed her in - and smiled. What a special lady she was, and what an honor it was to get to spend so many years loving her.

What A Week!

What a busy couple of weeks I've had! I've been swimming in a sea of back-to-back meetings, deadlines, homework, dirty dishes, and piles of laundry. I haven't felt stressed out much since moving to Minnesota, but this week has been an exception. Middle of the last week was my breaking point, and I just gave up. I had a long list of things that needed to be done, and I decided not to do any of it. I came home, and ran a bath with homemade peppermint salts that a sweet friend made for me for Christmas, and I soaked in my tub for an hour and a half. Drain cool water, refill with hot water, lay down, repeat. Then I pulled out the peanut butter dark chocolate brownies I whipped up, and enjoyed those with a big glass of almond milk. I wrote in my journal, and I finally felt relaxed for the first time in two weeks.

I repeated that scenario again the very next day.

Friday I pulled the tape off of my leg, and let me tell you, that was quite a highlight. It created a super cool design in the bruise itself, and I'm pleased to report that I'm finally healing up. Slowly, but surely!

I knew after being a bit stressed that I was overdue for something fun, so Saturday I hit up the St.Paul winter carnival with a friend. It goes on for weeks, and there are various events associated with it. My particular attraction to this day was a torchlight parade and a fireworks display. It was at a charming little park in the middle of the city, and they had food and a live band playing. There was an area where the ice sculptures were, but because it's been unseasonably warm this year, many had melted and weren't identifiable anymore! When we rounded the corner we both started laughing and referred to them as "the ruins" for the remainder of the night. I did get a few cool pictures though.

The parade itself was fantastic. I heart parades, y'all. They make me seriously happy. It's such a mismatch of the most random things - businesses of all types, kings and queens from the babies to the elderly, animals, and we even had an Olympic bobsledder from Jamaica that walked in it. I love that everyone comes together and has a good time simply enjoying the company of others...little kids running around, people dancing and being silly, and the excuse to not worry about stuff, even if it's only for a couple of hours. I did learn a valuable lesson about Minnesota while I was out: OVERDRESS. I was so cold, and when we'd been outside for about an hour I could no longer feel my feet. People wore full on ski gear and snow boots, but I thought since there wasn't snow on the ground that I didn't need all of that. I.Was.Mistaken. Next time, snow or not, that I'm going to be standing outside I'm wearing a base layer AND my warm boots. I don't even care if it isn't cute. This is the freakin' arctic.

After the parade was done we watched an absolutely awesome fireworks display that happened over the river. It was so beautiful, and such a fun way to end the night! I feel pretty lucky that I'm living in a cool city with fun stuff to do all of the time. It definitely breaks up the monotony of the week!

Mid-Week Ramblings

So, so many random things.

Remember that bruise I showed you? Well I've been exercising pretty consistently, but even after a week it was still a bit sore. I was telling my neighbor about it since she is a physical therapist, and she offered to tape it to encourage it to heal more quickly. I have no idea how that works, but this was the result. Can we just all take a moment and appreciate that I have two, neon-pink octopuses (octupi?) on my thigh? I'm kindof stoked about it. The tape will stay on for 4 days, and I bet I'll have quite the interesting pattern when I remove it.

(Also, I apparently live in those shorts since they've appeared in numerous pictures. Quit judging me.)

Part of the reason I'm exercising is because I'm doing a 7-mile race with a girlfriend on March 28th. I'm still in disbelief that I actually volunteered for that. Eeeeek! I know that isn't a long distance compared to a half or full marathon, but it's a long distance for this non-runner. I'm up to 3 miles, and I'm doing a combination training schedule of both running and PiYo, which is my current favorite workout. I remember not being able to run even a quarter of a mile when I first started to lose weight, so finishing this will be a big accomplishment, and I'm excited.

The friend with whom I'll be running the previously mentioned race is currently in the hospital having a baby. Literally, right now. I adore her, and I'm over the moon she is adding a new little one to her precious family! I'm excited to get to see the baby in March, but I'm also a bit...I don't know...anxious, maybe? I spent a long while planning to have babies of my own, and trying actively to get pregnant. I have a box of baby stuff packed away in my apartment that I couldn't bear to give up. I'm okay with where I'm at right now, but I wonder how being around a new baby will make me feel. My biological clock is screaming at me loudly. I'm doing my best to keep it quiet, and just appreciate where I'm sitting for the time being. Despite the fact that I'm totally happy and content though, I can't seem to forget that I'm out of my twenties, and I have a time limit. I was at the store last week making faces at a tiny little guy, and I got a bit teary-eyed out of nowhere. CONTROL YOURSELF, STUPID HORMONES. It isn't time yet.

I feel continually pushed out of my comfort zone at work lately. It's not a bad thing at all, but it's, at times, challenging. As much as I've grown personally, I feel like I'm growing leaps-and-bounds professionally since moving into this new role. The result is that I am some shade of pink most of the day. Between uncomfortable conversations, public speaking, and trying to keep a wide variety of random emotions in check, I feel myself blushing all.the.time. I hate that I'm so easy to read. Even when I present as calm and confident, my rosy cheeks give me away. I don't quite understand why it's so challenging. I'm pretty good at people in general. I adore people. I talk to random strangers all the time, people find me approachable and I'm always the person in whom everyone confides. I think perhaps the difference is the expectation that I need to be awesome, and the fear that I won't be.

I'm writing this post when I should be doing homework. I'm procrastinating, because I hate being in school. It's necessary, and I see the value, but it's so time-consuming and it never ends. I've been in for almost a full year now with no breaks. I'd love just one week that didn't involve homework. I keep reminding myself that I'll be done in less than a year. Almost, Kris. Almost.

I hit a random "anniversary" (totally crappy term for this, but for lack of a better word I'm going to use it anyway) last week. It's officially been one year since I've been single. Not divorced, but single. That means that I've been through every difficult date, holiday, birthday, and anniversary by myself. What seemed impossible is done. I definitely have thoughts on it, but not thoughts that I could adequately convey at the moment.

This last tiny bit of weight is stubborn and won't move. I'm exercising, and eating fairly clean, and it's just hanging out. Ridiculously annoying. I'm trying to not be focused on a number, but my head hasn't caught up with how I look yet, and I feel like somehow hitting that goal validates the fact that I'm "small". Rationally, I can hear how ridiculous that sounds.  A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine picked me up and I went completely deadweight and freaked out. Like, legitimately freaked out. I was waiting for a grunt, or him to drop me, or something really bad to happen, like his back to snap in half under the weight of me. It didn't, and he acted as if it were fairly effortless. My brain doesn't understand that though. I still feel bigger, and if it's at all possible, maybe even more self-conscious now than I did before I started to lose weight. Before, I was unhappy with everything and just at a point of acceptance about it. Now, I'm starting to be super happy with certain areas of my body (my favorite? visible hip bones!), but that means that "problem areas" are a very real thing. I want everything to look amazing immediately, and it doesn't yet. I've heard people talk about mental blocks, and there is definitely some truth to that. Who knows if hitting that number will help at all. But that's still my goal. Ten pounds left. I can do ten pounds. And then my goal is to workout until everything does look amazing.

I suppose that's enough rambling for today. I should probably finish this homework...sigh...

First Time Skiing

This weekend I went skiing for the first time. A friend of mine (let’s call him D) invited me along, and I was super excited to try it; however, in theory it wasn't nearly as tough as it was in reality! We found a place about an hour from Minneapolis, and they offered a two-hour beginner ski lesson at the start of the day. While I went to my lesson, my very experienced friend hit up some of the black diamond slopes that he knew I wouldn't be seeing. I found myself in a group of 6-7, with an instructor who was super patient and kind. It was very 101 – how to put on your skis, how to get them off, what to do if you fall, etc. He tried to teach us how to turn, but I had a really difficult time grasping that concept, and didn't really master it very well on the bunny hill. I finished my lesson at noon and then we met up to figure out plans. I had every intention of grabbing drinks/lunch at the main lodge that we were next to, but as D was skiing, he discovered a little bar on the other side of the resort that you could only get to via skiing. I completely freaked out because A)I hadn't been on the lift yet, and B)I hadn't been off the bunny hill. I asked him about 10 times in a row if I could do it, and he assured me that I could. He anticipated my freak out, so he’d picked up a map so he could show me the exact hills we would ski down and the location of the bar. I was still apprehensive, but I agreed to give it a try. We got to the lift, and he told the lift operator it was my first time. The guy stopped it to show me how it would come around, and how to position myself when it picked me up. Easy peasy. As it turns out, riding the lift up the hills was my favorite part of the day. It was so beautiful! So halfway up I had another freakout because ohmyGOSH how do I get OFF the lift? Am I about to be catapulted down the mountain?! I CANNOT BE CATAPULTED DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. Once I was reassured that there would be adequate flat ground I was okay. I got off of the lift, and froze. I didn't think I could do it, and I was panicking. It looked too steep, and too long, and I was afraid. I didn't cry, but for a few brief minutes I wanted to. D spent the next ten minutes reassuring me that I could make it to the bottom, and that I simply had to turn my skis down, and I'd be done before I knew it. He reassured me that he would ski behind me the whole time, and that he wouldn't leave me by myself. I finally went, and I fell. Hard. Skis and poles went flying, and D gathered them up and brought them to me. He helped me get up, and I tried again. I fell twice more going down the hill, but I made it. We got some drinks and rested for awhile and then it was time to go back up. The second hill we went down had parts that were much less steep, and I got to practice. D helped me learn to turn my skis to slow down, and I started to get the hang of it. I fell so many more times (seriously, SO much), but I got more confident each time. Then we hit the hill that made my day. I took a deep breath, and went for it. I wasn't panicked, and I was finally able to process what was happening - "you're too fast, slow down a bit by turning your skis in a little; go around this person; you're standing up so squat down a little more; keep your arms in" - and before I knew it, I was at the bottom. I started to freak out a little when I realized I didn't know where to go, because I wasn't able to slow down as much as I needed when I got near the end. Then I heard D, who had skied behind me the entire time, talking me through where to turn, so that the ground would naturally stop me - he saw me looking around, and knew what I was thinking. Y'all. When I came to a stop I could have exploded into some rainbows. I was so excited that I finally made it down and I'm pretty sure I smiled the most ridiculous, cheesy smile the rest of the day. We did several more runs successfully, and I loved it. We wrapped up the end of the day in the lodge drinking beer and watching people ski down a timed course. It was a super fun day! 

All those falls left a mark though. When I fell, I favored my left side apparently, and this happened. Both sides, and my bum, swelled up.

I wasn't in pain through the day, but by the end of the day, I was super tender. I spent the next 48 hours icing it down, and it's still a bit sore still, though the swelling is all gone. It produced, by far, the coolest bruise I've ever had, and maybe the largest. Here's the evolution over the course of the last week...pretty gangster, no?

After I had some alone time to process the day, I couldn't help but think of how representative it was of my life this past six months. I've stood on the top of that proverbial  hill so many times, and completely frozen. What I've found though, is that when I trust myself, and my ability to do whatever it is I'm trying to do, I make it. Sure, I might fall, and end up with some nasty bruises along the way, but that's part of it. And the more I go down the hills, the more confident I become in my ability to go down more. 

If you're standing at the top of your hill, let me offer a little gentle encouragement, and a virtual pat on the bum...

You've got this. You're stronger than you think you are. You'll make it to the bottom, and if you fall, it's okay - everyone does. It's less scary than you think. You've made it so far already, and the end is in sight. Just take the first step. Even if it's a tiny step, take it. Before you know it, you'll be finished, and the satisfaction is priceless.

The Little Things

Last night I went to see a movie. It's the first movie that I've seen by myself since the divorce - maybe ever. I've wanted to see several this year, and I love going to the movies, but I've put it off because I didn't want to go alone. Isn't that just silly? There is a little vintage theater near my house, and it's $3 to see a movie. It reminds me of the small theater where I'm from, so I've been eager to check it out. I got there, and as I waited in line to get a ticket, I caught myself playing with my hair. I do that often when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. The conversation in my head went something like this: "DUDE. You're 31. WHY are you nervous?! Stop being ridiculous."

I bought my ticket and went inside and sat down, and remained uncomfortable until the lights dimmed. About fifteen minutes into the movie I relaxed, and I really enjoyed it. And then I hated that I'd waited so long to go see a movie, when it's something I've always loved.

As much as I've grown-up and evolved this year into someone completely new (and boy, have I!) I also have to accept that I'm still growing-up and evolving. Aren't we all? A couple of weeks ago someone I know told someone else that I was "in the process of finding myself". My initial reaction was a big wall of defensiveness, and a prompt correction that I spent the last year doing that, and was all done now. He didn't mean it in a bad way at all, but it felt like he minimized the last year of my life. The movie experience was a gentle reminder that he was correct. And that's okay. Changing and evolving is something we should always be doing, because that's what makes us better. Better lovers, better friends, better coworkers, better people. The more I've thought about it today, the more I've realized that I don't want to stop changing and growing. Because that's what I'd done for most of my adult life. Ironically, when I thought I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life was when my world changed and I realized that I hadn't seen the authentic me in a long while. Sure, the core of me was the same. But all the details? Those I hadn't worried about in a long time, and those were what I should have been paying attention to and nurturing all along. We need to be pushed out of our comfort zones and test our limits a bit. Once we discover what we're capable of, we discover an entirely new world that we didn't know existed.

Sometimes, it takes the little things to put me back in my place, and remind me that it's okay to not have everything figured out. I can let go of my planning, just for a moment, and enjoy what is the now. And I think it's okay to be afraid of something, as long as I don't ever let that stop me from doing it - even something as simple as going to a movie by myself.

Next up, parallel parking.

My Favorite Things

It's been a hectic November for me. I don't even have a TV and I still feel like I don't have time to do anything. Seriously, what am I doing? Where does the time go? I have a million things to write about (outside of writing here, I dear-diary it in an actual journal) and I don't ever get a chance to actually sit down and write. I have more "notes" on my phone than I can count! Primarily about my above-average level of awkward. In my head, I'm the perfect combination of smooth, sexy, and adorable. In real life, I stumble over words, blush fiercely, and manage to get myself into the most unbelievable situations that you can imagine. No, really. Just in November, there have been three events (that may or may not be related to boys) that are so unbelievable that I promise you Lifetime and/or Hallmark has probably made a movie about them. Not kidding. I called my bestie to tell her about situation #2 and she was speechless for a few minutes, and then laughed so hard that she cried. She agreed, it is, in fact, unbelievable (in the literal sense of the word). Then we talked about how many cats I should adopt. Because cat fur is lonely people glitter.

Moving on. Here are some of my favorite things at the moment.

At the end of October I went to Chicago with my girlfriend, Alie. She and I have worked together for several years now, but she lives quite a ways away, so we generally only get to see each other at annual work events. We decided to take a long weekend for a girl's trip back in the summer, but then I started the interview process for this job and as soon as I got it everything else in life went on hold. As it turns out, moving cross country takes a little time and organization. Once I got more settled, we picked it up again, and decided to go my birthday weekend. We had an absolute blast, and my only complaint was that it ended way too soon!

 

 

I'm LOVING the snow. I literally don't have words to express my level of excitement. Y'all, it's magical. I get that it's inconvenient, and slippery, but OMGITSSNOW. And what better excuse for snuggling and hot chocolate than a blizzard?

P.S. If you find yourself with an imaginary boyfriend, I would recommend enjoying a cookie with that hot chocolate.

(I obviously wouldn't know what that's like. I had to add a dead bolt to my door because there were so many boys pushing on it. #populargirlproblems)

This red belt.

My scale. I am 15 pounds away from my original goal. I'm down a grand total of 65 pounds (12ish of those lost since I've been in Minnesota). I have been taking undie pics to document my progress, and while those will never be posted here (because, hello boobs) I am extraordinarily happy with shrinking me.

PUMPKIN! Pumpkin everything is making me so intensely happy at the moment. So I'll leave you with this recipe for pumpkin bread that I whipped up today, and am enjoying as I type. It's perfectly moist, dense, and not too terribly sweet.

 

Ingredients
1/2 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup spelt flour
1 cup pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
3/4 T pumpkin pie spice
1/2 t cinnamon
1/8 cup coconut oil, melted
1 t vanilla
1/4 c almond milk
1 t baking soda
1 T apple cider vinegar
5 T honey (although molasses or maple syrup would be lovely here)
2 T pumpkin seeds

Preheat your oven to 350 and line a loaf pan with parchment paper, then spritz it with a non-stick spray. This isn't a must, but it's so much easier to remove the bread from the loaf pan! It won't fit, so you'll have to do a bit of folding to mold it. Mix together your dry ingredients in one bowl, and then mix together your wet ingredients minus the apple cider vinegar in another. Fold the two together. Lastly, add in your apple cider vinegar and smile a little as it bubbles your mixture. Pour the batter into your loaf pan, sprinkle with the pumpkin seeds, and bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool before you serve.