Running Woes

I just finished the Run in the Dark 5K. I ran it with some coworkers, who all seem to make it seem effortless. I've been running consistently for 9 months now, and I still don't feel good at it. At all. I'm not fast, and it doesn't feel easy. Yesterday I wanted to beat my prior 5K time and and my Nike app failed when I pressed play so I ran blindly with no way to pace myself. It was frustrating, to say the least. At the end of the race, I opted to not check my time in front of the others; I knew I'd be disappointed if I was slower than I had intended to be. Hell, I felt a little disappointed anyway. In a career where I'm fighting every day to stay relevant and valuable and visible, and in a body that I can't ever seem to modify despite killing myself in the gym, I just want there to be something that makes me feel more than mediocre. I want to be great at something, and I can't find it. 

Then I think about the fact that I'm about to run 8 miles today. Uhm, what? That's FAR. And despite the fact that I know it's going to hurt, and I know I'm going to be slow, and I know it doesn't feel natural to me, I'm still going to do it. And sometimes that makes me feel really strong all on its own. I want to give up on this half-marathon and chalk it up to not being a runner. I used to quit things all the time. But I'm not quitting this. I have a goal, and I'm going to finish. I want that to be enough, but it doesn't feel like enough yet. Maybe the sense of accomplishment will feel better on race day, when I can cross that finish line and remember every single day of hard work that went into it, and know that I did something that seemed impossible to do. But right now, I just feel frustrated. 

I don't want to be a complainer. I'm thankful I can run, and work, and that I have really dear friends who enjoy the same things. So just in this little space, for a few minutes, I'm going to feel disappointed. And when I put this down, I'll go conquer the day with no more complaints. I will be happy and thankful and I'll probably feel pretty proud after this long run. 

So now I'm done. Let's do this, Sunday.