The Little Things

Last night I went to see a movie. It's the first movie that I've seen by myself since the divorce - maybe ever. I've wanted to see several this year, and I love going to the movies, but I've put it off because I didn't want to go alone. Isn't that just silly? There is a little vintage theater near my house, and it's $3 to see a movie. It reminds me of the small theater where I'm from, so I've been eager to check it out. I got there, and as I waited in line to get a ticket, I caught myself playing with my hair. I do that often when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. The conversation in my head went something like this: "DUDE. You're 31. WHY are you nervous?! Stop being ridiculous."

I bought my ticket and went inside and sat down, and remained uncomfortable until the lights dimmed. About fifteen minutes into the movie I relaxed, and I really enjoyed it. And then I hated that I'd waited so long to go see a movie, when it's something I've always loved.

As much as I've grown-up and evolved this year into someone completely new (and boy, have I!) I also have to accept that I'm still growing-up and evolving. Aren't we all? A couple of weeks ago someone I know told someone else that I was "in the process of finding myself". My initial reaction was a big wall of defensiveness, and a prompt correction that I spent the last year doing that, and was all done now. He didn't mean it in a bad way at all, but it felt like he minimized the last year of my life. The movie experience was a gentle reminder that he was correct. And that's okay. Changing and evolving is something we should always be doing, because that's what makes us better. Better lovers, better friends, better coworkers, better people. The more I've thought about it today, the more I've realized that I don't want to stop changing and growing. Because that's what I'd done for most of my adult life. Ironically, when I thought I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life was when my world changed and I realized that I hadn't seen the authentic me in a long while. Sure, the core of me was the same. But all the details? Those I hadn't worried about in a long time, and those were what I should have been paying attention to and nurturing all along. We need to be pushed out of our comfort zones and test our limits a bit. Once we discover what we're capable of, we discover an entirely new world that we didn't know existed.

Sometimes, it takes the little things to put me back in my place, and remind me that it's okay to not have everything figured out. I can let go of my planning, just for a moment, and enjoy what is the now. And I think it's okay to be afraid of something, as long as I don't ever let that stop me from doing it - even something as simple as going to a movie by myself.

Next up, parallel parking.

My Favorite Things

It's been a hectic November for me. I don't even have a TV and I still feel like I don't have time to do anything. Seriously, what am I doing? Where does the time go? I have a million things to write about (outside of writing here, I dear-diary it in an actual journal) and I don't ever get a chance to actually sit down and write. I have more "notes" on my phone than I can count! Primarily about my above-average level of awkward. In my head, I'm the perfect combination of smooth, sexy, and adorable. In real life, I stumble over words, blush fiercely, and manage to get myself into the most unbelievable situations that you can imagine. No, really. Just in November, there have been three events (that may or may not be related to boys) that are so unbelievable that I promise you Lifetime and/or Hallmark has probably made a movie about them. Not kidding. I called my bestie to tell her about situation #2 and she was speechless for a few minutes, and then laughed so hard that she cried. She agreed, it is, in fact, unbelievable (in the literal sense of the word). Then we talked about how many cats I should adopt. Because cat fur is lonely people glitter.

Moving on. Here are some of my favorite things at the moment.

At the end of October I went to Chicago with my girlfriend, Alie. She and I have worked together for several years now, but she lives quite a ways away, so we generally only get to see each other at annual work events. We decided to take a long weekend for a girl's trip back in the summer, but then I started the interview process for this job and as soon as I got it everything else in life went on hold. As it turns out, moving cross country takes a little time and organization. Once I got more settled, we picked it up again, and decided to go my birthday weekend. We had an absolute blast, and my only complaint was that it ended way too soon!

 

 

I'm LOVING the snow. I literally don't have words to express my level of excitement. Y'all, it's magical. I get that it's inconvenient, and slippery, but OMGITSSNOW. And what better excuse for snuggling and hot chocolate than a blizzard?

P.S. If you find yourself with an imaginary boyfriend, I would recommend enjoying a cookie with that hot chocolate.

(I obviously wouldn't know what that's like. I had to add a dead bolt to my door because there were so many boys pushing on it. #populargirlproblems)

This red belt.

My scale. I am 15 pounds away from my original goal. I'm down a grand total of 65 pounds (12ish of those lost since I've been in Minnesota). I have been taking undie pics to document my progress, and while those will never be posted here (because, hello boobs) I am extraordinarily happy with shrinking me.

PUMPKIN! Pumpkin everything is making me so intensely happy at the moment. So I'll leave you with this recipe for pumpkin bread that I whipped up today, and am enjoying as I type. It's perfectly moist, dense, and not too terribly sweet.

 

Ingredients
1/2 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup spelt flour
1 cup pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
3/4 T pumpkin pie spice
1/2 t cinnamon
1/8 cup coconut oil, melted
1 t vanilla
1/4 c almond milk
1 t baking soda
1 T apple cider vinegar
5 T honey (although molasses or maple syrup would be lovely here)
2 T pumpkin seeds

Preheat your oven to 350 and line a loaf pan with parchment paper, then spritz it with a non-stick spray. This isn't a must, but it's so much easier to remove the bread from the loaf pan! It won't fit, so you'll have to do a bit of folding to mold it. Mix together your dry ingredients in one bowl, and then mix together your wet ingredients minus the apple cider vinegar in another. Fold the two together. Lastly, add in your apple cider vinegar and smile a little as it bubbles your mixture. Pour the batter into your loaf pan, sprinkle with the pumpkin seeds, and bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool before you serve.

I'm Officially Old

A big thing happened - my 31st birthday! Holy cow! I'm pretty sure I officially qualify as an adult, yet, I often find myself searching for someone who is adult-ier than me. Am I grown up enough to be in a city by myself? To decide how to spend my time? To be trusted not to eat the entire jar of Nutella in one sitting? Well...apparently.

On my 30th birthday, I would have never in a million years imagined that my life would look the way that my life looks right now. A year ago, I was searching for house plans, and trying actively to get pregnant. Now, I've gone through a divorce, moved across the country for a job, and am figuring out life all on my own. And I'm okay. But I was worried that my birthday would be hard - that I would spend the day grieving the dreams that were lost. Fortunately that wasn't the case, and it was a very special day. Instead of being sad, I celebrated the awesome things I've accomplished over the past twelve months. I put in the hard work to rediscover myself. I asked the hard questions, even when I didn't like the answers. I didn't like who I saw in the mirror, so I changed it. I packed up and moved to a place where I literally knew one person (and not even very well), which was absolutely terrifying for me. But I did it. And while those things don't seem like big things on the outside, they are big, big things for me. Moving away has made it obvious that I was more than just a little sheltered in Smalltown USA; I am most definitely not the most interesting person around. But you know what? I'm proud of where I'm at, because it's so far from where I was. And that, my friends, is worth celebrating.

This year I decided to participate in The Birthday Project. If you haven't heard of them, look them up. It's a challenge to do random acts of kindness for the day - most people aim for the number to match how old they are. I was aiming for 31 things, but I made it to 25. I've continued to look for opportunities though - don't wait for a special occasion to be kind! I can honestly say it was one of the most, if not the most, rewarding birthdays that I have celebrated. Some of my favorite things were free ones! I left notes on mirrors in bathrooms, notes on car windshields, put anonymous goodie bags on the doorsteps of my neighbors at midnight, brought in my boss's favorite drink, bought a coffee for someone, sent letters to friends, taped money and notes to vending machines at work, gave food to a homeless man, offered to take a picture for a family that wanted one with everyone in it, but didn't speak English to ask, and a few other things as well. I also asked my Facebook friends to do a random act of kindness as well, and several commented with things they had done: pulling up the car so a coworker wouldn't get wet from the rain, buying an extra shirt at school for a child who didn't have money, calling someone who had been really down and offering some encouragement, going on a walk with someone who wasn't feeling well. My heart was full.

 

 

In addition to that fun, I walked into the office to a sweet card, had flowers delivered from some girlfriends, received multiple cards in the mail, and a couple of gifts as well. After work I went out with a friend who insisted on making the day extra special, and had such a good time hanging out with him. It was a happy, happy birthday indeed.