Tennessee Fun

I was overdue for a trip back home; I was beginning to feel homesick! I ended up staying for several days after Granny's funeral, and it was so very refreshing to visit. I stayed with my BFF, Jenn, and spending so much time with her little family was wonderful! One of the things I didn't expect when I moved was how difficult... perhaps difficult isn't the right word... time-consuming (maybe?) it is to develop friendships. She and I will celebrate our 21-year friendship anniversary this year, and at this point we are completely effortless. Here, finding friends is quite a bit like dating - you find out if you have similar interests, you see how the other person reacts in frustrating situations, how he/she treats the waiters, if conversation comes easily or has to be forced, and you stress out over whether or not to text and how often. I also tend to feel the need to suppress all of my quirkiness, as if loudly singing in the car, or dancing, or moaning while eating anything with peanut butter will make me seem like a crazy person (though let's be real...there is some crazy there...) And let's not even talk about the stress of how I look. Hanging out with someone I feel the need to impress (guy or girl) makes me incredibly self-aware of every single flaw anywhere. Breakout after a facial (my immediate reality)? Definitely not going out. Discovering frizzy hair that's starting to curl around my face? Tragic. Pink cheeks after a couple of drinks? OMG. It's absolutely ridiculous that I'm that worried, but nonetheless, I am. In an ideal world, I'd like to be confident enough to say that if someone can't embrace all of my flaws and imperfections that he/she doesn't deserve a place in my life, but I still struggle with wanting to be awesome, and worrying that things like a bum I wish was a bit more perky, or skin that I wish wasn't quite so sensitive, or my incessant rambling when I'm the least bit nervous make me not good enough. With Jenn though, all of that is out the window. She literally knows every single thing about me, even the stuff I choose not to tell her. I know her, too, probably better than her husband. She knows all of my imperfections, and survived the entire year that I went dark, and became a not-so-good person in general. I've yelled at her, thrown things at her, and kicked her out of my house, and somehow, she's loved me at my very worst and we've survived. I remember a particular season where we were fighting so much. We hadn't spoken to each other for what felt like forever, and then I found out some news and showed up at her doorstep crying. She opened the door, immediately hugged me, and all was forgiven. That's how we've always been. And that's one of the things I miss the most about being away - substantial, effortless friendships. It's one of those things that simply needs time to cultivate.

 

I also got to catch up with my family and other friends, too. Unfortunately there is never enough time to see everyone, but I definitely made a good dent.

While I was home, I did something that I've wanted to do F O R E V E R. I got a tattoo. I've wanted one since I was sixteen, and everyone kept telling me that I would grow out of it, but I never did. The last several years the desire only intensified, but then I was just too afraid to do it. As y'all know by now, I've been trying to not let fear dictate decisions, so I asked my girlfriend Lori to go with me, and she documented the entire process. I wanted something that was somewhat unique, and it was a toss up between a reference to my favorite book, Pride & Prejudice, or my favorite poem, Annabel Lee. P&P won out in the end, and my tattoo is a tribute to the book I read at least once a year. The anticipation was far worse than the tattoo itself; it didn't hurt that badly at all! In fact, I talked through the entire thing minus the "m". When he hit that part, my toes curled and I stopped talking (squishy face below), but it was quick, and still not that bad. I'm so SO excited about it, and I absolutely love it. The picture below was right after, which is why it's still so pink. It's healing still, so it's dry and itchy, but I should be completely healed up in the next week or so. I can't stop looking at it! It's definitely straight, but I'm holding my shirt in a funny position so it looks a bit off in the picture. I need to take a better one once it heals up completely.

Though it's always a bit bittersweet to leave, it's good to be back home in my own space. I missed my bed, and Millie. I've spent the last couple of days catching up on laundry and chores, and I'm getting ready to re-stock my fridge that is almost completely bare. Tonight the ACM awards come on, and you'd better believe this Tennessee girl is getting her Nashville fix in, even up North. You can take the girl out of the country...you finish the rest.

A Sad Day

Wednesday night as I had just crawled into bed I got a call from my ex telling me that his grandmother had passed. Though it wasn't entirely unexpected, it was still heartbreaking. I felt so very far away from home in that moment, and absolutely longed for the comfort of my family. I went to bed quietly, and sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and finally cried.

"Granny" was very special to me. She was a part of my life for sixteen years, after all. I booked the soonest flight out I could get, and arrived at the funeral home Friday for visitation. She looked peaceful, and beautiful. Saturday was her funeral, and when we got to the cemetery I was overwhelmed with the lack of closure I felt. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her, and I had missed the opportunity because I was far away. I knew I needed to talk to her, despite the circumstances, so on Sunday afternoon I drove back to the cemetery. She was buried in a secluded family cemetery. It's not visible from the road, but a long gravel drive leads to gate that keeps livestock on the property. Once past the gate, the small cemetery is fenced in, and sits by itself in a big field. It's always well-maintained thanks to an attentive family, and it was especially beautiful with all of the fresh flowers from her service. It was pretty and sunny, and I sat in the grass next to her and talked through big tears for the next half hour. Once I started, all of the things I wanted to say spilled out - details of my new life in MN, reassurances that I was happy and okay, apologies for not being there at the end, and so many other things that I needed and wanted her to know. When there was nothing more to say, I finally felt the closure that I'd needed.

As I was wandering around the airport this morning, I came across a section of Yankee candles in a gift shop. Her favorite scent, Midsummer's Night, was sitting there. I picked it up and breathed it in - breathed her in - and smiled. What a special lady she was, and what an honor it was to get to spend so many years loving her.