I started writing this a few weeks ago, and just didn't get around to publishing it, mostly because I was hoping it would change. I've been dealing with a pain in my foot for awhile. I was running through it, and just hoping it was something like a pulled muscle, but the longer I ran the more it throbbed. The nine-mile run I completed was pretty painful, and I started to worry that I had a stress fracture. I went to the orthopedic doctor and they ran x-rays - no fracture. That was great news. The not so great news was that I had a very, very inflamed tendon. At the time I went in (about 5-6 weeks ago I suppose) it was hurting simply to walk on it. You guys know how important this half is to me. He told me I couldn't run it and I immediately started trying (unsuccessfully) to hold back tears. He said that if I continued to run, I was at risk of more permanant damage, and also told me that it would absolutely only hurt more and not get better if I didn't rest. As much as I want to do this half, I want to enjoy the experience. But, I felt like I was letting people down. So many people have been cheering me on, and the last thing I want to do is be a disappointment to them. I'm not a quitter anymore, and it's been really, really hard to listen to the advice of the doctor and postpone this dream for just a little while longer. That's best though, so that's what I've done. I was in a boot initially just to settle the inflammation, and I'm in physical therapy twice a week right now. He hasn't cleared me to start running, but I'm back to yoga, and modified HIIT classes. I feel like it's getting better, but there are definitely things that are still painful for me, and that's frustrating. I know this time will pass, and I'll be glad I fixed the problem, but it's hard to wait. Apparently, the impact to that particular part of my foot is due to some pretty severe pronating. That just means I run on the inside of my foot rather than distributing the impact over my full foot. It's likely what caused my knee issue earlier in the year as well. We're focusing on retraining those muscles to work properly, and that's proving to be a challenge. I'll get there though. I'd like to run a half that is here in Texas at the end of February, but it all depends on when he releases me. I need to be able to build up my training again, and I'm not sure I can do it in under 8 weeks. I'm keeping an open mind and being patient, and when it happens, it happens.
In other news, IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS. I love everything about Christmas, and I'm already over-the-moon on the daily. I want all the music, all the decorations, and allllll the Christmas shows. It's my favorite time of the year, and I am so very happy about that. It's quite the welcome distraction!
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
Whaaaaa?!
Yesterday I ran nine miles. Literally NINE MILES. No moping, no whining, no complaining. I got it done. And you know what? I felt like (and still feel like) a total rockstar. I can do this. I AM doing this. And I'm proud.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Running Woes
I just finished the Run in the Dark 5K. I ran it with some coworkers, who all seem to make it seem effortless. I've been running consistently for 9 months now, and I still don't feel good at it. At all. I'm not fast, and it doesn't feel easy. Yesterday I wanted to beat my prior 5K time and and my Nike app failed when I pressed play so I ran blindly with no way to pace myself. It was frustrating, to say the least. At the end of the race, I opted to not check my time in front of the others; I knew I'd be disappointed if I was slower than I had intended to be. Hell, I felt a little disappointed anyway. In a career where I'm fighting every day to stay relevant and valuable and visible, and in a body that I can't ever seem to modify despite killing myself in the gym, I just want there to be something that makes me feel more than mediocre. I want to be great at something, and I can't find it.
Then I think about the fact that I'm about to run 8 miles today. Uhm, what? That's FAR. And despite the fact that I know it's going to hurt, and I know I'm going to be slow, and I know it doesn't feel natural to me, I'm still going to do it. And sometimes that makes me feel really strong all on its own. I want to give up on this half-marathon and chalk it up to not being a runner. I used to quit things all the time. But I'm not quitting this. I have a goal, and I'm going to finish. I want that to be enough, but it doesn't feel like enough yet. Maybe the sense of accomplishment will feel better on race day, when I can cross that finish line and remember every single day of hard work that went into it, and know that I did something that seemed impossible to do. But right now, I just feel frustrated.
I don't want to be a complainer. I'm thankful I can run, and work, and that I have really dear friends who enjoy the same things. So just in this little space, for a few minutes, I'm going to feel disappointed. And when I put this down, I'll go conquer the day with no more complaints. I will be happy and thankful and I'll probably feel pretty proud after this long run.
So now I'm done. Let's do this, Sunday.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Run, Kris, Run
Half-marathon training is fully in swing. I'm about 11 weeks out now, and I have a fully planned out training schedule. I'm running 3 days a week, with my long runs on Saturday. The other days I'm doing HIIT/yoga classes, and it's alot. I'm starting to feel strong, but I'm still pretty sore. Running is the hardest, but it's more of a mental hard than a physical hard. Sore I can handle, but 2 miles into every run I want to quit. I don't, of course, but I want to. I have a string of faces I rotate through every time a run hits 3 miles - and it's a consistent method that works to keep me motivated. I think of how much they all believe in me, and how much they want me to succeed. When running for me isn't enough anymore, I run for them. I keep asking myself if I can do this - it feels so overwhelming - but I know that I can. One step at a time.
I'm really ready to lean out a bit more, and so far I haven't noticed too much change in my body. My waist seems smaller, and muscles feel stronger, but I want to see those things when I'm staring in the mirror and I don't yet. I'm staying the course though. As my mileage increases, I'm hoping I begin to decrease even more. It'll make me faster, and probably be a bit easier on this stubborn knee that doesn't want to behave.
What working hard IS helping with is some work stress. My best friends at the office have all seemed a bit stressed out, and I've had my fair share, too. A friend always tells me that stress is self-induced, but sometimes it's difficult to stop from feeling that way. Working out hard after work releases all of that, and I find that if I don't work out, I continue to feel stressed for the night. It is a wonderful release of emotion to get sweaty. That and regular Happy Hours, ha!
On that note, cheers! Now let's all go run and have a beer.
I'm really ready to lean out a bit more, and so far I haven't noticed too much change in my body. My waist seems smaller, and muscles feel stronger, but I want to see those things when I'm staring in the mirror and I don't yet. I'm staying the course though. As my mileage increases, I'm hoping I begin to decrease even more. It'll make me faster, and probably be a bit easier on this stubborn knee that doesn't want to behave.
What working hard IS helping with is some work stress. My best friends at the office have all seemed a bit stressed out, and I've had my fair share, too. A friend always tells me that stress is self-induced, but sometimes it's difficult to stop from feeling that way. Working out hard after work releases all of that, and I find that if I don't work out, I continue to feel stressed for the night. It is a wonderful release of emotion to get sweaty. That and regular Happy Hours, ha!
On that note, cheers! Now let's all go run and have a beer.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Hiking Recap
We finished up the hiking trip, and I'm glad to report that not only did I survive, but I loved it! I had some serious concerns going in - HOW am I going to be comfortable pooping in the woods, am I strong enough to hike with a pack, how will my knee hold up, what if I get sick or hurt, what about bears? We got there on Sunday and my pack felt ridiculously heavy. I was excited though, so the day started off well. After some adjustments on my pack, I finally shifted the weight onto my hips appropriately, and the pack was much easier to carry.
Despite covering myself in strong bug spray, I could both see and feel the mosquitos. They were attracted to me and I had a constant swarm. I'm scratching as we speak; my entire body is covered in bites. The park was separated into numbered camp sites and our camp site was on the other side of the park from where we parked, so we had awhile to walk. It started raining, and I was glad I chose to purchase a rain jacket before this trip. I debated on whether or not it was a necessity, but I sure was glad to have it when the downpour hit. The rain slowed us down a bit. It made parts of the trails incredibly muddy, and it was hard to see at times while we hiked. The worst part about it, though, was the number of slugs that emerged. At one point there was a tree that had fallen over the trail. There was no way around so I had to climb over. The weight of my pack pushed me forward as I climbed and when I grabbed the tree I squished a slug between my fingers. That is, to date, the most disgusting sensation I have ever felt in my life, and it was a struggle not to throw an absolute freak-out fit. The rain also made the branches really slippery and as I was hiking a thick branch raked itself down my ankle. The pain was pretty intense for a few seconds, and then it bled all over my sock and into my shoe. There was no point in trying to clean it and put a bandage on because my ankle was so wet from the rain, so I continued to hike and eventually the pain subsided. The sun was definitely setting by the time we made it to camp, so we rushed to get the tent up. We hadn't needed to eat lunch that day so rather than cooking we opted to have tortillas with peanut butter and Nutella for supper. We ate away from our campsite quickly, threw everything into the bearsack, and then Dan hung it from a tree far away. We knew there were black bears in the park, and there were signs everywhere that food needed to be hung away from camp. After a quick wipe down with baby wipes we changed and curled up for the night. I thought I would be exhausted enough to sleep, but not so much. My adrenaline was in overdrive, and I was absolutely afraid of the forest around us. I couldn't get to sleep and I heard every little noise near the tent. There were mice everywhere, so I could see their shadows, and at some point I heard something walking around the tent. I knew it was smaller so I assume it was a raccoon but I couldn't bring myself to look out and see. Somewhere around midnight, maybe, I needed to go to the bathroom, and I realized Dan was still laying there awake, too. I threw on flipflops and asked him to listen for me (seriously, guys, I was so scared!) and I didn't venture too far from the tent. I ended up peeing all over my foot and flip flop, which was unfortunate for Dan because I told him just as he stuck his foot in it to go to the bathroom, too. Apparently, peeing in the woods is an acquired skill. I was pretty good by the end of the trip though! I did end up falling asleep eventually and slept on and off through the rest of the night. It was by no means good sleep though, and I was definitely still tired the next morning.
The second day was definitely the toughest physically, but also had the most rewarding sights! We climbed what felt like a million stairs, I was more ravenous than I have ever been in my life, and we saw squirrels, a million frogs and toads, and a snake. We got to see cascades and we also hit a few overlooks that captured the forest and Lake Superior as well. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't hike one mile more, but then something beautiful made it absolutely worth it. I felt my knee a little more this day, but the compression sleeve I wore definitely helped support it. I think that will be key on future hikes. It also helped minimize the swelling, which I've been dealing with quite a bit lately regardless of activity.
Our food was pretty simple, and I tried to keep it light. We had oatmeal packs for breakfast that I made in advance, and I added dried fruit, chia seeds, and hemp seeds. We also had instant coffee packs. For lunch we brought tortillas and the individual serving packs of Justin's peanut butter and chocolate hazelnut spread. I also brought date cookies and fruit roll-ups for that meal. For dinner, one night I packed Mac and cheese and bite sized pieces of salami and the other night a quinoa meal with Epic meat bars. For snacks we had Cliff Bars, Lara Bars, dried fruit and cashews. We didn't eat all of our food but we did need to snack often so I'm glad we had easy snack options available. At one point, I started getting incredibly irritable and tired, and when we stopped I realized I just needed to eat. I scarfed down figs and mangos and immediately felt better, and then we made lunch and I was like a new person. I definitely underestimated the amount of food I thought I would consume, and the bars I brought "just in case" were all consumed. Next time I think I will make smaller snack packs that are easier to carry in the front pockets of our backpack, and I think I will include something fun like peanut M&Ms, or some Newman O's (Oreo's healthier cousin). But this was a good practice run, and I feel like I packed pretty well.
I hoped I would like it, and I'm glad I did. It's such a fun way to workout, and I love the amazing views. I can't wait to head out again!
Despite covering myself in strong bug spray, I could both see and feel the mosquitos. They were attracted to me and I had a constant swarm. I'm scratching as we speak; my entire body is covered in bites. The park was separated into numbered camp sites and our camp site was on the other side of the park from where we parked, so we had awhile to walk. It started raining, and I was glad I chose to purchase a rain jacket before this trip. I debated on whether or not it was a necessity, but I sure was glad to have it when the downpour hit. The rain slowed us down a bit. It made parts of the trails incredibly muddy, and it was hard to see at times while we hiked. The worst part about it, though, was the number of slugs that emerged. At one point there was a tree that had fallen over the trail. There was no way around so I had to climb over. The weight of my pack pushed me forward as I climbed and when I grabbed the tree I squished a slug between my fingers. That is, to date, the most disgusting sensation I have ever felt in my life, and it was a struggle not to throw an absolute freak-out fit. The rain also made the branches really slippery and as I was hiking a thick branch raked itself down my ankle. The pain was pretty intense for a few seconds, and then it bled all over my sock and into my shoe. There was no point in trying to clean it and put a bandage on because my ankle was so wet from the rain, so I continued to hike and eventually the pain subsided. The sun was definitely setting by the time we made it to camp, so we rushed to get the tent up. We hadn't needed to eat lunch that day so rather than cooking we opted to have tortillas with peanut butter and Nutella for supper. We ate away from our campsite quickly, threw everything into the bearsack, and then Dan hung it from a tree far away. We knew there were black bears in the park, and there were signs everywhere that food needed to be hung away from camp. After a quick wipe down with baby wipes we changed and curled up for the night. I thought I would be exhausted enough to sleep, but not so much. My adrenaline was in overdrive, and I was absolutely afraid of the forest around us. I couldn't get to sleep and I heard every little noise near the tent. There were mice everywhere, so I could see their shadows, and at some point I heard something walking around the tent. I knew it was smaller so I assume it was a raccoon but I couldn't bring myself to look out and see. Somewhere around midnight, maybe, I needed to go to the bathroom, and I realized Dan was still laying there awake, too. I threw on flipflops and asked him to listen for me (seriously, guys, I was so scared!) and I didn't venture too far from the tent. I ended up peeing all over my foot and flip flop, which was unfortunate for Dan because I told him just as he stuck his foot in it to go to the bathroom, too. Apparently, peeing in the woods is an acquired skill. I was pretty good by the end of the trip though! I did end up falling asleep eventually and slept on and off through the rest of the night. It was by no means good sleep though, and I was definitely still tired the next morning.
The second day was definitely the toughest physically, but also had the most rewarding sights! We climbed what felt like a million stairs, I was more ravenous than I have ever been in my life, and we saw squirrels, a million frogs and toads, and a snake. We got to see cascades and we also hit a few overlooks that captured the forest and Lake Superior as well. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't hike one mile more, but then something beautiful made it absolutely worth it. I felt my knee a little more this day, but the compression sleeve I wore definitely helped support it. I think that will be key on future hikes. It also helped minimize the swelling, which I've been dealing with quite a bit lately regardless of activity.
Our food was pretty simple, and I tried to keep it light. We had oatmeal packs for breakfast that I made in advance, and I added dried fruit, chia seeds, and hemp seeds. We also had instant coffee packs. For lunch we brought tortillas and the individual serving packs of Justin's peanut butter and chocolate hazelnut spread. I also brought date cookies and fruit roll-ups for that meal. For dinner, one night I packed Mac and cheese and bite sized pieces of salami and the other night a quinoa meal with Epic meat bars. For snacks we had Cliff Bars, Lara Bars, dried fruit and cashews. We didn't eat all of our food but we did need to snack often so I'm glad we had easy snack options available. At one point, I started getting incredibly irritable and tired, and when we stopped I realized I just needed to eat. I scarfed down figs and mangos and immediately felt better, and then we made lunch and I was like a new person. I definitely underestimated the amount of food I thought I would consume, and the bars I brought "just in case" were all consumed. Next time I think I will make smaller snack packs that are easier to carry in the front pockets of our backpack, and I think I will include something fun like peanut M&Ms, or some Newman O's (Oreo's healthier cousin). But this was a good practice run, and I feel like I packed pretty well.
I hoped I would like it, and I'm glad I did. It's such a fun way to workout, and I love the amazing views. I can't wait to head out again!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Random Tuesday Thoughts
I don't really have much to say... but I have everything to say! So many random thoughts tonight, and I just want to talk. I've been in Boston working, and this is my fourth week here. I was living out of a hotel, but just moved to an extended stay this week, and this is where I will stay until I'm released to go home. I feel better about the extended stay because I have a kitchen here, and space for food. I talked my partner that I usually ride with into bringing his lunch for the rest of the week. Initially, it's exciting to get a large food budget for every day, but then it's just gross. I cannot eat out that much, and I'm exercising, so I need to feel good and light. While it's been challenging here for many, many reasons, there have been some fun things, too. I got to go to Fenway for free, had excellent seats, and great food, beer and company!
I've been to the cape, sat on a beautiful beach, and saw the most beautiful cape cottages along the water.
And I've even managed to squeeze in some much needed downtime in the hotel bathtub. Because when working 80 hours a week, downtime is important!
This past weekend I flew home to take care of Millie. She's had a pet sitter coming daily, but since I may be here for another month still, I needed a better solution. Dan agreed to take her, and he was already scheduled to come to Texas for his birthday, which was Friday. I was SO happy to see him! We started the day off with a giant birthday cinnamon roll for breakfast (complete with a candle), and then went to REI to try on packs for backpacking because we are exciting and adventerous people.
I'm convinced if I say this enough I will feel more adventerous and cool than we all know I actually am.
The packs were weighted down (mine had 30 pounds), and we did laps around the store determining which ones we liked. I definitely have a favorite, but need to make one more trip to be 100% sure.
I require daily hugs; I'm convinced. In the absence of anyone to hug, I should have brought my stuffed bunny, Cottontail, but I couldn't fit her in my luggage. Now I'm wishing I had tried harder. Someone come visit me in Boston, mmmmk? I have a pull out sofa and a big bed! We can totes crash together.
I've been to Plymouth, where I saw Plymouth Rock and had the best "lobstah" roll I've ever had in my entire life.
I'm convinced if I say this enough I will feel more adventerous and cool than we all know I actually am.
For supper that night we tried a seafood resturant, Waters, and it did not disappoint. I got a peachy mule, and we started with smoked and fresh oysters. I got the crab cakes as my main dish, he got fish, and then we shared a lemon mousse and a surprise mini-cake for dessert. SO much yum. My handsome, curly-haired boy assures me he is shaving this week, but I'm not convinced. I've grown quite fond of his mountain man look though. While at dinner a lady came by the table to tell him how fabulous his hair was. I'm a fan of those curls myself.
Saturday we left to drive up to Minneapolis with the kitty. We overnighted at a hotel in Kansas City, and finished the trip Sunday. She's settling in nicely, and venturing out from under the bed more frequently. He's been sending me frequent picture updates, which I appreciate. I miss my space, and I miss my cat, and I miss my friends. I am more than ready to be home and start my summer, but in the meantime, I'm trying to make the best of the situation.
I'm struggling with a school situation. I've reached my tuition cap for 2016, and if I want to graduate within the year, I'll need to pay out of pocket about $4,500. I'm beyond ready to graduate (I've been in school 107 years now) but I don't want to pull out of my savings that I've been working so hard to build up. I can back off, still graduate next year, and let the company pay for the rest, but I'm just not sure I want to do that. I don't have to decide immediately, but I do have to decide within the next few weeks. Such a big decision.
Let's talk about my hair. I'm so intensely annoyed with it. SO, I think once these bangs grow out a bit more, I'm going back to a LOB. That sounds manageable, and it's perfect for summer, right? Right.
I require daily hugs; I'm convinced. In the absence of anyone to hug, I should have brought my stuffed bunny, Cottontail, but I couldn't fit her in my luggage. Now I'm wishing I had tried harder. Someone come visit me in Boston, mmmmk? I have a pull out sofa and a big bed! We can totes crash together.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Home Sweet Home
This week I'm home in Tennessee. I was severely overdue, and I could tell I needed to take some time off to spend with my family. The last time I took a full week off was this time last year, when I came home for a funeral. My visits in-between have been quick weekends, and those just aren't the same.
I've had the most wonderful time. I've gotten to spend quality, non-rushed time with my parents, and my brother and nephew. I've seen many of my friends (unfortunately I missed a few!), and I've had a week to simply relax. I got to help my dad move, see my gram (grandma) who has been in and out of the hospital, and see my nephew play a couple of baseball games. I collected eggs with my mama, which is no big deal for her, but something that I do not get to participate in usually. While nothing "big" happened, it's always big to me to be able to participate in their lives again. We talk often, but it just isn't the same. Tonight as I prepared to say bye to my daddy, I sat outside fighting back tears and trying to pull myself together because I didn't want him to see me upset. I know I'll see him soon, but I miss him. And all of them. Every single day.
It was interesting to be home again and temporarily live in my small town, having now lived in two other cities. Last year when I was home, I missed my small town. This year, I did not. Of course I miss the people here, but not the town or the lifestyle. And honestly? That completely surprised me. While there isn't anything wrong with living there, it's very easy to never get out, for whatever reason. I see it with many of my own friends, even, so leaving was the best decision that I've ever made. My goodness, how things are different in other places! I think I always wanted more. Every few years I would daydream about moving to another state. I'd spend hours researching and looking up details. Or I'd dream of traveling somewhere exotic, and seeing some of the great big world. I knew there had to be more, but it took me a very long time to actually make the leap and see for myself. And I was right. I did want more. I needed more. I needed fairs, and trails, and breweries on the weekends. And movies in the park. I needed to know that I could be independent, and that I was making decisions that I wanted to make, rather than making them because of where I lived. I needed to know that I was happy with myself, and that I didn't require a family to feel fulfilled. And I needed to learn to listen to my inner voice, so that next time I need to do something, I won't take ten years to do it. Now that I've seen what there is, I'm not sure I'd ever be happy in a place like that again. And I'm feeling pretty darn content about that.
I fly back home tomorrow, and though I am sad to leave I am anxious to be back in my own environment. I miss Millie, and I miss my space. I feel rejuvenated though, and much more prepared to tackle the next few months. College-graduation, half-marathon, and 125 pounds - here I come.
I've had the most wonderful time. I've gotten to spend quality, non-rushed time with my parents, and my brother and nephew. I've seen many of my friends (unfortunately I missed a few!), and I've had a week to simply relax. I got to help my dad move, see my gram (grandma) who has been in and out of the hospital, and see my nephew play a couple of baseball games. I collected eggs with my mama, which is no big deal for her, but something that I do not get to participate in usually. While nothing "big" happened, it's always big to me to be able to participate in their lives again. We talk often, but it just isn't the same. Tonight as I prepared to say bye to my daddy, I sat outside fighting back tears and trying to pull myself together because I didn't want him to see me upset. I know I'll see him soon, but I miss him. And all of them. Every single day.
It was interesting to be home again and temporarily live in my small town, having now lived in two other cities. Last year when I was home, I missed my small town. This year, I did not. Of course I miss the people here, but not the town or the lifestyle. And honestly? That completely surprised me. While there isn't anything wrong with living there, it's very easy to never get out, for whatever reason. I see it with many of my own friends, even, so leaving was the best decision that I've ever made. My goodness, how things are different in other places! I think I always wanted more. Every few years I would daydream about moving to another state. I'd spend hours researching and looking up details. Or I'd dream of traveling somewhere exotic, and seeing some of the great big world. I knew there had to be more, but it took me a very long time to actually make the leap and see for myself. And I was right. I did want more. I needed more. I needed fairs, and trails, and breweries on the weekends. And movies in the park. I needed to know that I could be independent, and that I was making decisions that I wanted to make, rather than making them because of where I lived. I needed to know that I was happy with myself, and that I didn't require a family to feel fulfilled. And I needed to learn to listen to my inner voice, so that next time I need to do something, I won't take ten years to do it. Now that I've seen what there is, I'm not sure I'd ever be happy in a place like that again. And I'm feeling pretty darn content about that.
I fly back home tomorrow, and though I am sad to leave I am anxious to be back in my own environment. I miss Millie, and I miss my space. I feel rejuvenated though, and much more prepared to tackle the next few months. College-graduation, half-marathon, and 125 pounds - here I come.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
You win, Texas.
There are moments, and people, and places that have the capacity to challenge everything that is, and I've had my fair share over the last couple of years. I thought I might be done. I was finally settling into a new normal, and here comes Texas, rolling in like a hurricane. The planner in me wants desperately to analyze every detail of every thought that I've had while I've been here,but despite that, I simply cannot. Lately I find myself dreaming of the future, and I'm struggling with what is the now, and what I want the future to be. In all the ways - location, job, field of work, salary - all the ways. What if I'm falling in love with Texas a little bit? And what if that totally surprised me and caught me off guard?
Every time I make a plan in my head, it blows up. Maybe that's just my internal challenge to stop trying to plan everything out, and just trust what will be. What is.
But there are moments. People. Places. The girl at work who has a story similar to mine in so many ways that only we know, who already feels like a life-long friend. The homeless kid at Walgreens that I talk to and buy food for every few weeks. The people that I belly laugh with on a daily basis. The trail behind my apartments that I've come to love, where I am continually reminded that I underestimate what I'm capable of, and where I will most likely cross off my bucket list item of completing a half-marathon.
As a creature of habit and routine, I can't think of what it will feel like to leave all of this and move again. I felt like Texas would be temporary from the beginning. And I still feel like that. But what a beautiful thing it is to go somewhere and be swept off my feet in ways that I couldn't imagine. To go somewhere with familiar accents, that remind me of home. To meet people who will permanently change who I am. To achieve things here that I couldn't have fathomed three years ago. To grow and evolve some more, when I thought I might get a break, and to be challenged to just become better overall.
Though I cringe a little thinking of not having a life plan, I also smile a little because I'm getting used to it. And because I'm getting better at rolling with it. And because my life is such a big adventure these days. Sometimes we need a little adventure; it reminds us who we are. Who we really are. And sometimes we lose that in the process of life, and we need a little help rediscovering it. I'm oh-so-happy that I found a little more in the most unexpected of places.
Fine, Texas. You win. We can be friends now.
Every time I make a plan in my head, it blows up. Maybe that's just my internal challenge to stop trying to plan everything out, and just trust what will be. What is.
But there are moments. People. Places. The girl at work who has a story similar to mine in so many ways that only we know, who already feels like a life-long friend. The homeless kid at Walgreens that I talk to and buy food for every few weeks. The people that I belly laugh with on a daily basis. The trail behind my apartments that I've come to love, where I am continually reminded that I underestimate what I'm capable of, and where I will most likely cross off my bucket list item of completing a half-marathon.
As a creature of habit and routine, I can't think of what it will feel like to leave all of this and move again. I felt like Texas would be temporary from the beginning. And I still feel like that. But what a beautiful thing it is to go somewhere and be swept off my feet in ways that I couldn't imagine. To go somewhere with familiar accents, that remind me of home. To meet people who will permanently change who I am. To achieve things here that I couldn't have fathomed three years ago. To grow and evolve some more, when I thought I might get a break, and to be challenged to just become better overall.
Though I cringe a little thinking of not having a life plan, I also smile a little because I'm getting used to it. And because I'm getting better at rolling with it. And because my life is such a big adventure these days. Sometimes we need a little adventure; it reminds us who we are. Who we really are. And sometimes we lose that in the process of life, and we need a little help rediscovering it. I'm oh-so-happy that I found a little more in the most unexpected of places.
Fine, Texas. You win. We can be friends now.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Race Day Thoughts
I'm doing a race a month for 2016. It'll help me prep for my 10K, and ultimately, my half-marathon. I didn't get to do a formal one in January, though I did do a 5K on the treadmill, so this morning was my first "official" race of the year. I did the Form Follows Fitness race in Dallas, and I was all the nerves. The last official race that I did was a 5K, and it was years ago, pre-weight loss, pre-running. I think I finished it after 50 minutes. All I could think of this entire week was that race. I was worried that I wouldn't do well and would finish with the walkers again. I know what I've been running, but I've been running a familiar route, and I didn't know what to expect with this one. I did know that there was a hill at the end though, and I haven't done much hill work so I thought that might stop me.
These were my race day thoughts today though.
Immediately after waking up:
"Remember that you are walking up to that starting line, not for your friends, your family or your Facebook status. You did this for you. No one will be walking you up to that line. You put in the work. You made the right choices. The healthy, sometimes boring and crummy choices. You earned those nerves running through your skin right now. As you're packing in with all the other runners...music blaring...bouncing around on your toes...getting in that last stretch...just remember that those nerves...those goosebumps...it's excitement because you're ready to kill this. Keep your knees up and keep your eyes forward. And when you hit the second mile and you start to feel it, kick your feet out, pump your arms, keep your form, keep breathing. Don't stop when you're tired...stop when you're done. And as you cross the finish line, remember to smile. Enjoy it, soak it in. It may not be your half marathon, but it's the first big step. And you're ready for it. You've trained for it. And you're a bad ass."
On the way to Dallas:
Music blasting, singing my heart out. "You've got this, Kris. Nothing to be afraid of. Trust that you've got it."
Lining up:
"All these people look faster than me. What if I trip? Why do my headphones feel funny? I should have jumped around a bit more. It's okay, adrenaline will get me through the first mile and then I'll figure it out."
0.5 mile:
"OMG. Adrenaline is NOT getting me through this. This does not feel good. I'm never going to run this entire thing. Don't stop. Keep going."
1 mile:
"Now you've got this. Much better. Definitely warm up next time; you know better than that. Look at how many people I'm passing. Seriously so many people! Why can't I hear my music? These headphones suck and I need new ones. I just got these! I hate them."
1.5 miles:
"I'm almost halfway there. This is really uncomfortable. Focus on that building. There, that's better. Keep your knees up and keep your eyes forward. You haven't needed to walk, and you won't. You've got this."
2 miles:
"When you hit the second mile and you start to feel it, kick your feet out, pump your arms, keep your form, keep breathing. Don't stop when you're tired...stop when you're done. You're more than halfway there. You're still passing people. OMG she's so pretty and I just passed her! And she's smaller than me, and I passed her, too! This training is paying off! OHMYWORD this is uncomfortable. I'm beating my pace goal."
2.5 miles:
"I'm ready to stop. I can't keep running. Yes I can. I am. Look, still going. OOOOH Eminem came on! I LOVE this song! You're a total bad ass. You're almost done. I know it hurts, but you can be sore later...OOOOH! I can get Starbucks after this run! Need.Coffee. Look how big this guy coming up is! His muscles are HUGE! You just passed him. Don't smile, don't smile. You're not there yet. Still beating your pace."
3 miles:
"There's the hill. That's bigger than I thought. I can't make it up and I'm too tired. Walk a few seconds, then power through. Alright, walking is nice. Too nice. Nope, can't walk. Better run. I can see the finish. Just go. OMGMYLEGSHURT. This hill sucks. I should really do more hills. HOLY COW I'm passing people ON THE HILL. You're almost done, Kris. Almost done."
3.1 miles:
"As you cross the finish line, remember to smile. Enjoy it, soak it in. You're there. You made it."
I finished. I didn't smile as I crossed the finish line, but the guy that handed me my medal got the biggest smile ever, and it made him smile, too. I went in wanting to pace under 11 minutes a mile. That's slow, but this is my story, and I get to make my own rules. I paced at 10:54, and my official finish time was 34.07. My next race I'm shooting for under a 10:30 pace. I had to coach myself through it, but I did it. And I'm getting better! I still hate running, but I sure do love the satisfaction of doing something that I thought I couldn't. Just you wait, half-marathon. I'm coming for you.
These were my race day thoughts today though.
Immediately after waking up:
"Remember that you are walking up to that starting line, not for your friends, your family or your Facebook status. You did this for you. No one will be walking you up to that line. You put in the work. You made the right choices. The healthy, sometimes boring and crummy choices. You earned those nerves running through your skin right now. As you're packing in with all the other runners...music blaring...bouncing around on your toes...getting in that last stretch...just remember that those nerves...those goosebumps...it's excitement because you're ready to kill this. Keep your knees up and keep your eyes forward. And when you hit the second mile and you start to feel it, kick your feet out, pump your arms, keep your form, keep breathing. Don't stop when you're tired...stop when you're done. And as you cross the finish line, remember to smile. Enjoy it, soak it in. It may not be your half marathon, but it's the first big step. And you're ready for it. You've trained for it. And you're a bad ass."
On the way to Dallas:
Music blasting, singing my heart out. "You've got this, Kris. Nothing to be afraid of. Trust that you've got it."
Lining up:
"All these people look faster than me. What if I trip? Why do my headphones feel funny? I should have jumped around a bit more. It's okay, adrenaline will get me through the first mile and then I'll figure it out."
0.5 mile:
"OMG. Adrenaline is NOT getting me through this. This does not feel good. I'm never going to run this entire thing. Don't stop. Keep going."
1 mile:
"Now you've got this. Much better. Definitely warm up next time; you know better than that. Look at how many people I'm passing. Seriously so many people! Why can't I hear my music? These headphones suck and I need new ones. I just got these! I hate them."
1.5 miles:
"I'm almost halfway there. This is really uncomfortable. Focus on that building. There, that's better. Keep your knees up and keep your eyes forward. You haven't needed to walk, and you won't. You've got this."
2 miles:
"When you hit the second mile and you start to feel it, kick your feet out, pump your arms, keep your form, keep breathing. Don't stop when you're tired...stop when you're done. You're more than halfway there. You're still passing people. OMG she's so pretty and I just passed her! And she's smaller than me, and I passed her, too! This training is paying off! OHMYWORD this is uncomfortable. I'm beating my pace goal."
2.5 miles:
"I'm ready to stop. I can't keep running. Yes I can. I am. Look, still going. OOOOH Eminem came on! I LOVE this song! You're a total bad ass. You're almost done. I know it hurts, but you can be sore later...OOOOH! I can get Starbucks after this run! Need.Coffee. Look how big this guy coming up is! His muscles are HUGE! You just passed him. Don't smile, don't smile. You're not there yet. Still beating your pace."
3 miles:
"There's the hill. That's bigger than I thought. I can't make it up and I'm too tired. Walk a few seconds, then power through. Alright, walking is nice. Too nice. Nope, can't walk. Better run. I can see the finish. Just go. OMGMYLEGSHURT. This hill sucks. I should really do more hills. HOLY COW I'm passing people ON THE HILL. You're almost done, Kris. Almost done."
3.1 miles:
"As you cross the finish line, remember to smile. Enjoy it, soak it in. You're there. You made it."
I finished. I didn't smile as I crossed the finish line, but the guy that handed me my medal got the biggest smile ever, and it made him smile, too. I went in wanting to pace under 11 minutes a mile. That's slow, but this is my story, and I get to make my own rules. I paced at 10:54, and my official finish time was 34.07. My next race I'm shooting for under a 10:30 pace. I had to coach myself through it, but I did it. And I'm getting better! I still hate running, but I sure do love the satisfaction of doing something that I thought I couldn't. Just you wait, half-marathon. I'm coming for you.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Miss Grumpypants
This post is brought to you by hangry. In an attempt to veer myself back on track, I decided that a 3-day detox sounded like a super idea. I'm a day and a half in, and I.Am.Hungry! Which has evolved into hangry. As it turns out, when you're running, your body expects some food. Mine seems mad at me and my tummy sounds like a dying whale pleading for some nourishment.
That's perhaps a bit dramatic. Moving right along.
I have two big goals this year. Like, guys. If I can accomplish these, it will literally feel like the most amazing acomplishment of my life to date. The first one is to run a half-marathon. The second is to hit 125 pounds. You guys know the whole weight-loss story. On my 30th birthday, I made a goal of 125. I didn't have any idea what that looked like because I am pretty sure I didn't even weigh that in high school. I hovered somewhere around 130 pre-knee injury. But that was the goal. And I'm so close. In MN, I got down to around 133 (though 135 was the norm) and then fall, and Europe, and the holidays happened, and now I'm stuck at 140.
(we're friends here, right? I can totes tell you that.)
Anyway, I'm feeling all the annoyance at that number right now. Thus, detox = better diet moving forward. I know I've got this. But I want it NOW.
The whole running thing. Ugh. So I'm running 3 days a week. And I'm steadily adding on distance. But it sucks. Like, OMG. The last 3 runs I've noticed that at mile 2.6 my body is all, "Okay. We're done here." and feels like it wants to collapse into a pile of jello on the sidewalk (piggyback rides home, anyone?). If I push through that and make it to 3, then I'm okay. And by okay, I mean my legs are yelling and I'm sweating and pink and uncomfortable. I saw a girl today running and she looked like a Victoria's Secret model with her gentle glisten and perfect swaying ponytail. And I said some VERY ugly things to her in my head as she passed. And I didn't even feel bad. (Give me a break. Need.Food.) So today was a 4 mile run, which is my longest to date. And I'm super proud of that. But I am slow. So very slow. I'm much faster on a treadmill, though still not fast. I know that'll improve as I continue to run though. And actually, my pace today was faster than my pace last week for 3.5 miles. So, silver linings? But I can't even fathom running a half-marathon? Literally. Today around 3.5 I was fighting off walk breaks and kept thinking of when I couldn't run a quarter of a mile. That gave me the energy to push through, because though 4 miles still isn't a crazy distance, it's a good distance for me. I'll keep taking it a half mile increase at a time, and we'll see what happens. My first 10K is in May, and that in and of itself will be quite the accomplishment. Like, there may be tears. Because when you're red and sweaty and your hair is gross, why not throw something else into that mix of absolute beauty and perfection? Ha!
Also, I've been postponing adding in Crossfit, but I start on Tuesday, and I'm all the nerves about that. It's intimidating. But it makes me feel strong, and I know it'll help push me towards both big goals for this year. One of these days, when I'm married and chasing littles around, I won't have time for that. So now is a good time. Plus I always eat better when I'm intensely sore :)
Okay, rant off. Time to knock out some homework and dream about the steamed veggies and egg whites I get to consume in an hour and a half. It's ridic to be that excited about solid food, but y'all don't even know.
That's perhaps a bit dramatic. Moving right along.
I have two big goals this year. Like, guys. If I can accomplish these, it will literally feel like the most amazing acomplishment of my life to date. The first one is to run a half-marathon. The second is to hit 125 pounds. You guys know the whole weight-loss story. On my 30th birthday, I made a goal of 125. I didn't have any idea what that looked like because I am pretty sure I didn't even weigh that in high school. I hovered somewhere around 130 pre-knee injury. But that was the goal. And I'm so close. In MN, I got down to around 133 (though 135 was the norm) and then fall, and Europe, and the holidays happened, and now I'm stuck at 140.
(we're friends here, right? I can totes tell you that.)
Anyway, I'm feeling all the annoyance at that number right now. Thus, detox = better diet moving forward. I know I've got this. But I want it NOW.
The whole running thing. Ugh. So I'm running 3 days a week. And I'm steadily adding on distance. But it sucks. Like, OMG. The last 3 runs I've noticed that at mile 2.6 my body is all, "Okay. We're done here." and feels like it wants to collapse into a pile of jello on the sidewalk (piggyback rides home, anyone?). If I push through that and make it to 3, then I'm okay. And by okay, I mean my legs are yelling and I'm sweating and pink and uncomfortable. I saw a girl today running and she looked like a Victoria's Secret model with her gentle glisten and perfect swaying ponytail. And I said some VERY ugly things to her in my head as she passed. And I didn't even feel bad. (Give me a break. Need.Food.) So today was a 4 mile run, which is my longest to date. And I'm super proud of that. But I am slow. So very slow. I'm much faster on a treadmill, though still not fast. I know that'll improve as I continue to run though. And actually, my pace today was faster than my pace last week for 3.5 miles. So, silver linings? But I can't even fathom running a half-marathon? Literally. Today around 3.5 I was fighting off walk breaks and kept thinking of when I couldn't run a quarter of a mile. That gave me the energy to push through, because though 4 miles still isn't a crazy distance, it's a good distance for me. I'll keep taking it a half mile increase at a time, and we'll see what happens. My first 10K is in May, and that in and of itself will be quite the accomplishment. Like, there may be tears. Because when you're red and sweaty and your hair is gross, why not throw something else into that mix of absolute beauty and perfection? Ha!
Also, I've been postponing adding in Crossfit, but I start on Tuesday, and I'm all the nerves about that. It's intimidating. But it makes me feel strong, and I know it'll help push me towards both big goals for this year. One of these days, when I'm married and chasing littles around, I won't have time for that. So now is a good time. Plus I always eat better when I'm intensely sore :)
Okay, rant off. Time to knock out some homework and dream about the steamed veggies and egg whites I get to consume in an hour and a half. It's ridic to be that excited about solid food, but y'all don't even know.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
A Look Back
Writing is like an old friend. I forget about it for months, on occasion longer, and then as soon as I start typing I'm instantly in my zone, and immediately zenned out. Dan would probably argue that I could get that same high telling my life story to Millie, and he's not too far off. Girl is a talker. But tonight, writing it shall be.
So I moved. Rather hesitantly actually. I didn't share my hesitation with very many people, though I wanted to. When I pulled up my site, I had a draft waiting for me that I never could bear to publish last year:
A couple of months ago, someone that I know at work mentioned a job opening that he thought I would be interested in. It's in operations, which is my background, and it's with a part of the business in which I am completely unfamiliar. Due to some circumstances that are lengthy and difficult to explain, I was in the market for a new position, so I decided to interview. The only challenge is that it's in Fort Worth, Texas. Yikes. I flew down to interview face-to-face, and then got a call the day that Dan and I were scheduled to head to the lake cabin with his family. I got the job offer, and as soon as I hung up the phone, I cried for the next 45 minutes with the door shut to my office. I've always been super excited about new jobs. Always. But for some reason, I don't find myself excited about this one at all. It feels rushed, and I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake. I think part of my unease is having to leave Dan, too. I tried so hard not to fall hard for him. I knew I wouldn't be here long term - that I couldn't be here long term - and the last thing I wanted was to fall in love with someone while I was here. But as much as I tried, it happened, and now there's that.
As I type, there are two men packing up my apartment. The apartment that I absolutely love. This was my first apartment all to myself, and I loved making it all mine. From the pink map in my living room, to my obnoxiously loud quilt, it's the apartment where I got to be me. Maybe that's why I'm so sad about leaving Minnesota. I feel more me right now at this point in my life than I ever have. Which can't possibly make sense. But I think the me I am now is someone I always wanted to be, but just never was. Maybe it's the culmination of dating someone who pushes me a little out of my comfort zone pretty frequently, or feeling accomplished at surviving, and thriving, on a great big move here, or learning a new job and loving it, or figuring out that I'm capable of so much more than I thought. But I just feel...happy. And satisfied. And settled.
Now I have to do it all over again. I know I can. I know that I'll rock this job. And I know that there will be other apartments to decorate. New friends to make. New park trails to explore. Onward then.
I fought against Texas through December. And I'm still not sure I love it here. But all of the other fears have worked themselves out.
I'm in an even better apartment, that's more me than the last one.
Bonus: Millie LOVES watching the birds fly through our courtyard in her window perch.
I'm not rocking my job yet, but I am finally understanding it. Baby steps, y'all.
Bonus: I work with some fan-freakin-tastic people. Seriously, they make my heart happy and I can tell we'll be great friends.
I haven't explored all the parks around here, but I have a trail in my backyard that runs parallel to the Trinity River.
Bonus: It's warm enough here that I can run all year round.
I found a CSA that I pick up from every other week, and I love getting local organic produce. There is a juice bar near my house, and I'm within walking distance of tons of restaurants, Starbucks, and a movie theater and performance hall. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. My biggest complaint is most definitely the long-distance relationship. It's working, but goodness I miss him. Every day. Something will give this year though, and we will find ourselves in the same city again. Stay tuned for more on that.
I'm not sure what is in store for 2016. Will I stay? Will I go again? Will he come here? Who knows. But what I do know is this, two cities down. I've got this. Bring on the challenge.
So I moved. Rather hesitantly actually. I didn't share my hesitation with very many people, though I wanted to. When I pulled up my site, I had a draft waiting for me that I never could bear to publish last year:
A couple of months ago, someone that I know at work mentioned a job opening that he thought I would be interested in. It's in operations, which is my background, and it's with a part of the business in which I am completely unfamiliar. Due to some circumstances that are lengthy and difficult to explain, I was in the market for a new position, so I decided to interview. The only challenge is that it's in Fort Worth, Texas. Yikes. I flew down to interview face-to-face, and then got a call the day that Dan and I were scheduled to head to the lake cabin with his family. I got the job offer, and as soon as I hung up the phone, I cried for the next 45 minutes with the door shut to my office. I've always been super excited about new jobs. Always. But for some reason, I don't find myself excited about this one at all. It feels rushed, and I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake. I think part of my unease is having to leave Dan, too. I tried so hard not to fall hard for him. I knew I wouldn't be here long term - that I couldn't be here long term - and the last thing I wanted was to fall in love with someone while I was here. But as much as I tried, it happened, and now there's that.
As I type, there are two men packing up my apartment. The apartment that I absolutely love. This was my first apartment all to myself, and I loved making it all mine. From the pink map in my living room, to my obnoxiously loud quilt, it's the apartment where I got to be me. Maybe that's why I'm so sad about leaving Minnesota. I feel more me right now at this point in my life than I ever have. Which can't possibly make sense. But I think the me I am now is someone I always wanted to be, but just never was. Maybe it's the culmination of dating someone who pushes me a little out of my comfort zone pretty frequently, or feeling accomplished at surviving, and thriving, on a great big move here, or learning a new job and loving it, or figuring out that I'm capable of so much more than I thought. But I just feel...happy. And satisfied. And settled.
Now I have to do it all over again. I know I can. I know that I'll rock this job. And I know that there will be other apartments to decorate. New friends to make. New park trails to explore. Onward then.
I fought against Texas through December. And I'm still not sure I love it here. But all of the other fears have worked themselves out.
I'm in an even better apartment, that's more me than the last one.
Bonus: Millie LOVES watching the birds fly through our courtyard in her window perch.
I'm not rocking my job yet, but I am finally understanding it. Baby steps, y'all.
Bonus: I work with some fan-freakin-tastic people. Seriously, they make my heart happy and I can tell we'll be great friends.
I haven't explored all the parks around here, but I have a trail in my backyard that runs parallel to the Trinity River.
Bonus: It's warm enough here that I can run all year round.
I found a CSA that I pick up from every other week, and I love getting local organic produce. There is a juice bar near my house, and I'm within walking distance of tons of restaurants, Starbucks, and a movie theater and performance hall. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. My biggest complaint is most definitely the long-distance relationship. It's working, but goodness I miss him. Every day. Something will give this year though, and we will find ourselves in the same city again. Stay tuned for more on that.
I'm not sure what is in store for 2016. Will I stay? Will I go again? Will he come here? Who knows. But what I do know is this, two cities down. I've got this. Bring on the challenge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)