The Little Things

Last night I went to see a movie. It's the first movie that I've seen by myself since the divorce - maybe ever. I've wanted to see several this year, and I love going to the movies, but I've put it off because I didn't want to go alone. Isn't that just silly? There is a little vintage theater near my house, and it's $3 to see a movie. It reminds me of the small theater where I'm from, so I've been eager to check it out. I got there, and as I waited in line to get a ticket, I caught myself playing with my hair. I do that often when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. The conversation in my head went something like this: "DUDE. You're 31. WHY are you nervous?! Stop being ridiculous."

I bought my ticket and went inside and sat down, and remained uncomfortable until the lights dimmed. About fifteen minutes into the movie I relaxed, and I really enjoyed it. And then I hated that I'd waited so long to go see a movie, when it's something I've always loved.

As much as I've grown-up and evolved this year into someone completely new (and boy, have I!) I also have to accept that I'm still growing-up and evolving. Aren't we all? A couple of weeks ago someone I know told someone else that I was "in the process of finding myself". My initial reaction was a big wall of defensiveness, and a prompt correction that I spent the last year doing that, and was all done now. He didn't mean it in a bad way at all, but it felt like he minimized the last year of my life. The movie experience was a gentle reminder that he was correct. And that's okay. Changing and evolving is something we should always be doing, because that's what makes us better. Better lovers, better friends, better coworkers, better people. The more I've thought about it today, the more I've realized that I don't want to stop changing and growing. Because that's what I'd done for most of my adult life. Ironically, when I thought I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life was when my world changed and I realized that I hadn't seen the authentic me in a long while. Sure, the core of me was the same. But all the details? Those I hadn't worried about in a long time, and those were what I should have been paying attention to and nurturing all along. We need to be pushed out of our comfort zones and test our limits a bit. Once we discover what we're capable of, we discover an entirely new world that we didn't know existed.

Sometimes, it takes the little things to put me back in my place, and remind me that it's okay to not have everything figured out. I can let go of my planning, just for a moment, and enjoy what is the now. And I think it's okay to be afraid of something, as long as I don't ever let that stop me from doing it - even something as simple as going to a movie by myself.

Next up, parallel parking.