Mid-Week Ramblings

So, so many random things.

Remember that bruise I showed you? Well I've been exercising pretty consistently, but even after a week it was still a bit sore. I was telling my neighbor about it since she is a physical therapist, and she offered to tape it to encourage it to heal more quickly. I have no idea how that works, but this was the result. Can we just all take a moment and appreciate that I have two, neon-pink octopuses (octupi?) on my thigh? I'm kindof stoked about it. The tape will stay on for 4 days, and I bet I'll have quite the interesting pattern when I remove it.

(Also, I apparently live in those shorts since they've appeared in numerous pictures. Quit judging me.)

Part of the reason I'm exercising is because I'm doing a 7-mile race with a girlfriend on March 28th. I'm still in disbelief that I actually volunteered for that. Eeeeek! I know that isn't a long distance compared to a half or full marathon, but it's a long distance for this non-runner. I'm up to 3 miles, and I'm doing a combination training schedule of both running and PiYo, which is my current favorite workout. I remember not being able to run even a quarter of a mile when I first started to lose weight, so finishing this will be a big accomplishment, and I'm excited.

The friend with whom I'll be running the previously mentioned race is currently in the hospital having a baby. Literally, right now. I adore her, and I'm over the moon she is adding a new little one to her precious family! I'm excited to get to see the baby in March, but I'm also a bit...I don't know...anxious, maybe? I spent a long while planning to have babies of my own, and trying actively to get pregnant. I have a box of baby stuff packed away in my apartment that I couldn't bear to give up. I'm okay with where I'm at right now, but I wonder how being around a new baby will make me feel. My biological clock is screaming at me loudly. I'm doing my best to keep it quiet, and just appreciate where I'm sitting for the time being. Despite the fact that I'm totally happy and content though, I can't seem to forget that I'm out of my twenties, and I have a time limit. I was at the store last week making faces at a tiny little guy, and I got a bit teary-eyed out of nowhere. CONTROL YOURSELF, STUPID HORMONES. It isn't time yet.

I feel continually pushed out of my comfort zone at work lately. It's not a bad thing at all, but it's, at times, challenging. As much as I've grown personally, I feel like I'm growing leaps-and-bounds professionally since moving into this new role. The result is that I am some shade of pink most of the day. Between uncomfortable conversations, public speaking, and trying to keep a wide variety of random emotions in check, I feel myself blushing all.the.time. I hate that I'm so easy to read. Even when I present as calm and confident, my rosy cheeks give me away. I don't quite understand why it's so challenging. I'm pretty good at people in general. I adore people. I talk to random strangers all the time, people find me approachable and I'm always the person in whom everyone confides. I think perhaps the difference is the expectation that I need to be awesome, and the fear that I won't be.

I'm writing this post when I should be doing homework. I'm procrastinating, because I hate being in school. It's necessary, and I see the value, but it's so time-consuming and it never ends. I've been in for almost a full year now with no breaks. I'd love just one week that didn't involve homework. I keep reminding myself that I'll be done in less than a year. Almost, Kris. Almost.

I hit a random "anniversary" (totally crappy term for this, but for lack of a better word I'm going to use it anyway) last week. It's officially been one year since I've been single. Not divorced, but single. That means that I've been through every difficult date, holiday, birthday, and anniversary by myself. What seemed impossible is done. I definitely have thoughts on it, but not thoughts that I could adequately convey at the moment.

This last tiny bit of weight is stubborn and won't move. I'm exercising, and eating fairly clean, and it's just hanging out. Ridiculously annoying. I'm trying to not be focused on a number, but my head hasn't caught up with how I look yet, and I feel like somehow hitting that goal validates the fact that I'm "small". Rationally, I can hear how ridiculous that sounds.  A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine picked me up and I went completely deadweight and freaked out. Like, legitimately freaked out. I was waiting for a grunt, or him to drop me, or something really bad to happen, like his back to snap in half under the weight of me. It didn't, and he acted as if it were fairly effortless. My brain doesn't understand that though. I still feel bigger, and if it's at all possible, maybe even more self-conscious now than I did before I started to lose weight. Before, I was unhappy with everything and just at a point of acceptance about it. Now, I'm starting to be super happy with certain areas of my body (my favorite? visible hip bones!), but that means that "problem areas" are a very real thing. I want everything to look amazing immediately, and it doesn't yet. I've heard people talk about mental blocks, and there is definitely some truth to that. Who knows if hitting that number will help at all. But that's still my goal. Ten pounds left. I can do ten pounds. And then my goal is to workout until everything does look amazing.

I suppose that's enough rambling for today. I should probably finish this homework...sigh...