Year of Lessons

I knew that turning 30 represented a significant life change, but I had no idea just how significant. Since turning 30 in October, I’ve lost 50+ pounds, divorced my childhood sweetheart and ended our 16 year relationship, buried a pet, and I’m now getting ready to change positions at work and move away from home. I’ve cultivated new friendships, and I’ve intentionally disconnected from old friendships. All on their own, those changes are monumental. Together, they are transformative. I’m calling this year my “Year of Lessons”. Throughout this journey, I’ve learned so, so many things. Things that seem obvious, but things I never really understood. These are lessons that I wish I’d learned in my 20s. I’m sure I’ll have more lessons six months from now, six years from now even, but I thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned so far.

Be unapologetic and uncompromising about your values and beliefs, regardless of circumstances. Only surround yourself with people who hold those same views. Minimizing people's presence in your life is sometimes necessary. The people you hang out with the most should be the people who call you out when you are being absolutely ridiculous, hold you to the best version of yourself, and encourage you to live with integrity. If someone turns a blind eye when you're misbehaving in a way that damages yourself in any capacity, then that someone doesn't deserve to be a high priority in your life. Period. 

A friend told me recently,"Don't be that girl. It's easy to be, and maybe no one will know. But you will." It's not what I wanted to hear. But it is absolutely what I needed to hear. Be THAT kind of friend. And have those kind of friends.
 

Don't be afraid to take risks. I’m not kidding when I tell you that my entire life has been planned around what I thought would happen in the future. I didn’t move away from my family, ever, because I rationalized that I wanted my children to grow up around them. I bought a huge house because I knew I would have lots of babies to fill the rooms. I didn’t travel, because I figured that money could be used elsewhere. See a pattern here? Guess what? Things absolutely do not go as planned all of the time. Stop living for tomorrow, and live for today. It’s absolutely okay and responsible to plan a little, but don’t plan your entire life out to the degree that you give yourself no opportunities to have some adventure. If you want to move, then move. If you want to travel, travel. You’ll figure everything else out later.

What you allow is what will continue. In marriage, in friendships, in work relationships - in any relationship at all. Your voice matters. Use it. If it bothers you, say so. No matter how insignificant it may seem, your opinion is valid and should be respected. Ask questions. Understand fully. And speak until you are fully understood.

Learn who you are. As an individual. Not as so-and-so's husband/wife/father/mother/son/daughter. As YOU. What do YOU like? Do you want to play an instrument? Then make time to take lessons. Do you like yoga? Then make time for a class. You will never, ever have extra time. You make time for what is important. And nourishing your soul, and your own individuality – well, perhaps that is the MOST important. When you are fulfilled as an individual, only then can you be the best version of yourself for everyone else. Look, I know it's valiant to sacrifice for the sake of everyone else. But if you give and give and give, then eventually you run dry. Trust me on this one; I speak from experience. Find YOU. Find your brand. And if you don’t like what you find, then be brave enough to admit that and change.

Don't be a victim. Stuff happens. Sometimes all at once. Life isn't fair, and you don't always get what you deserve. But life goes on anyway. It's okay if some days you cannot get out of bed. But it's not okay every day. Get up. Get dressed. Conquer the day. Figure out what you need to do to be okay. Maybe you need a therapist, maybe you need a trainer, maybe you need a journal. Find out what you need, and get it. This is your life. Invest in it.

You can't save people, no matter how hard you try. It is heartbreaking to watch someone drowning. And utterly devastating when they disappear under the water completely. But you cannot rescue them. They can't and won't resurface unless they have the desire to swim. Don't leave the sidelines. Cheer them on. Love them through it. And by all means throw them lifejacket after lifejacket after lifejacket. But understand that you cannot jump in and pull them out. This has been an especially hard lesson for me this year, as I've had numerous friends go through monumental changes.

Feel what you feel. People will tell you what to feel and when you should feel it. Everyone. Best friends, family, neighbors, and random people you’ve never met. Ignore them. Seriously. Grief, for whatever reason you may be grieving, is as unique as each individual. There isn't a roadmap or a time line, and you shouldn't feel bad, sad, or pressured to follow their rules. If you aren't angry, don't force yourself to be angry. If you are, then don’t suppress it and pretend that you are not. Allow it to flow through you until it has passed. Beat the hell out of a pillow with a bat if that is what you need to process the emotion. But you, and you alone, determine how to feel and when.

Spoiler alert: You won’t scare people away. In your darkest, saddest, ugliest moments the people who love you will still love you.

People are watching you. Every single second of every single day. Whether you're on a plane, train, or even a boat. In dark parking lots. At the grocery store. At church. At bars. In hotels. On the internet. At work. Everywhere. If you're doing something wrong or inappropriate and you think you're doing it in secret, more than likely, you are not. Your reputation is and should be important. I’m going to say that again in case you didn’t fully understand. Your reputation is and should be important. You made a mistake? So what. You choose what you allow to define you. Whether you've made one mistake or a thousand mistakes, prove them wrong, and be better than that mistake. Don’t let it define you. Sure, it may take awhile. But the time will pass anyway. When you know better, you do better.

Guard your words. Most people are merely curious for details, and they don’t have your best interests at heart. I deleted 200+ people off of Facebook for this very reason.

Birds of feather flock together. My mom told me this thousands of times as I was growing up. No joke. And I didn’t fully grasp it until recently. People are who they surround themselves with. You are who you surround yourself with. If you are hanging out with someone, and you don’t like any one of that person’s friends, take note of that. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, guess what? It’s a duck. And for the record, isolating the duck from the rest of the flock doesn’t minimize the fact that it is a duck.

I confessed to my best friend recently that I was struggling with someone who I felt obligated to befriend. She looked at me and said, "Why? If it makes you uncomfortable, then don't be friends with her." So simple, but so profound. Choose your friends carefully, and listen to your gut.

Anything less than 100% transparency doesn't work. Tell the truth. Always. Always. Always. Because if you cannot say it, then it imprisons you. And whether it surfaces now, or years later, it WILL, at some point, surface. This is applicable to every single relationship that you have.

This just skims the surface of realizations and “ah-ha” moments that I’ve experienced this year. I’ve grown into a woman that I almost don’t even recognize. Someone that knows she is brave, and strong, and good enough. Someone who knows that her mistakes, no matter how big and ugly, don’t have to define her. Someone who knows she doesn’t deserve any less than the very best, and someone who won’t settle for anything less than the best. Someone who found her voice, and learned to ask for what she wants. Someone who is willing to step out of her comfort zone and try new things. Someone who understands that she has to invest time and effort into what is important.

Y’all. Y’all. This is huge. This is exciting. This, my friends, is the best kind of growth.